We all have mental cycles- habitual thoughts that distract us and make us less productive.

I just read Dan Pallotta’s blog post, Success, Suffering and the Self-Pity Cycle. His brain automatically compares him to others. When they have success, he has thoughts that he should be more successful and feels bad about it. It chews up time and thoughts that could otherwise be spent on a purpose we consciously choose.

When I was a kid, a few months before my fourth birthday, my younger brother was born (he and I are the middle kids of 4 boys). I don’t exactly what happened, but I decided I wasn’t wanted. I was devastated. I had great parents, good brothers, a nice middle-class life that continually edged toward upper-middle class, and a cool dog that fetched rocks. We lived in Seattle and there were huge fields nearby to explore, lakes and a great fair grounds downtown. I think around age 8 or 9 we started skiing, and at age 12 dad bought a boat and we’d go waterskiing. I was bright so school was easy and a often boring, but it could have been a good life. It wasn’t, because in the background, I was friendless and not wanted. Looking back, there were lots of opportunities for friends, but not being wanted, I slunk away in emotional pain instead of being with others.

There was a bit of hope in 9th and 10th grades. 11th grade was better and 12th much better, when a wonderful girl talked to me. A life that seemed worth living began.

My point is that for a solid 12 years my brain practiced being not wanted. They say you need 10,000 hours of practice to master something, about 5 years at 40 hours per week. The young me practiced being unwanted, lonely and miserable much more than that.

I discovered the pattern when I took The Landmark Forum at age 28. Seeing the pattern for what it was, I had the freedom to choose actions inconsistent with its “reality”. I practiced being in a new reality. Life got even better.

Today, 30 years later, as I work on PeopleCount, whenever my thoughts pause, the old brain patterns still arise. I’m obviously alone. It’s great to talk with people, even to connect with email, but it’s not the same as having a partner. It’s lonely. Except, those thoughts are just the result of old brain patterns.

Most of us have such crosses to bear. To survive, we have brains that constantly predict the future out of past experiences. To focus on tasks and make progress, we need the kind of brain that can create patterns that repeat, so we can continue work the next day. To appreciate and want to re-create delight and joy, connectedness and endless possibilities, we need the kind of brain that can dwell in dramatic thoughts and see reality as stories.  So our brains can also predict misery and suffering, sustain negative thought patterns, and dwell in dark worlds of hopelessness and trauma.

It’s good to notice them, and realize they’re artifacts of the brain, not real limits.

Heaven would be a place where we get to choose the quality of life. On Earth, we can have some of heaven, with a little effort, practice, and help from others. At least, those of us can who live in a peaceful society and are wealthy enough to not have to constantly struggle to survive. Perhaps a true heaven would be a place where we could live for a greater purpose, such as to share our wealth and peace with others. Yes, that sounds a lot like Earth.

Thanks, Dan. Life’s much better when self-aware.