Today is Tuesday, Oct 25, 2016. I gave a presentation to my congresswoman today around noon. (Apologies for the length. This is 1700 words- 3.4x normal…)

Last Thursday, the appointment had came through.I talked to a friend- he was excited for me. I spent the day trying to outline the talk, but kept writing things and realizing it was too much.

Friday I focused on trying to finish a demo. The web pages need a bit of work, and the content needs a lot. I had forgotten how much work goes into good questions. And sometimes I start looking up information about the issues and that can take a long time. When I did this a few years ago, a volunteer helped me. That was before I learned that corporations weren’t allowed to use volunteers. And now my family is too nervous about money to let me pay someone minimum wage, so I’m on my own…

Saturday I spent most of the day finishing an application for a fellowship and possibly an investment. I had read all through the website and didn’t find the dates, except that the application was due on Monday. Finally, at the end of the application, it said that the final selection was in June. That’s probably too late, but I sent it off anyway.

It’s a 2-year fellowship and they give $80,000. It didn’t say, but it sounded like per year. They said if there are 2 founders, they give $90,000. I was puzzled why they’d give more for two people. Also at the end of the application I saw where it said the amount is for two years, so it’s $40,000/year for one person (and $22,500 per year for each of two people.) That’s real money, but not enough to save me from needing a job…  But the possibility of an investment is still there.

Luckily, Sunday my friend called back. He was horrified that I didn’t have the slides yet. With him listening, I was able to do a high-level outline. Then I prepped some food for dinner. I did more for an hour, then decided to spend just an hour on the demo. Big mistake. Suddenly the afternoon was over. He called. I had made a little progress. With him on the phone, I did most of the rest in about ten minutes. I shared the slides with him over Skype screen-share, and he trimmed them way down. It was so much better!

We talked again Monday morning and I outlined the changes I wanted to make. They took a while. I took a break which ended up being two hours. I couldn’t decide between 3 changes. When he called in the evening, it still wasn’t done. But with him on the phone, I finished most of it.

Tuesday morning he called and I gave him the presentation again. It needed a few changes, but those would be enough. He had heard some new things in the presentation and was even more enthusiastic about my success. We hung up and I finished the changes. I printed them while I showered and dressed. I got ready to leave, but they weren’t printed! My wife helped me to fix the printer, but we couldn’t. I saved the slides to pdf and put them on my website.

Presentation: I got to her office early, at 12:35 for the 1:00 appointment. I’d only have 30 minutes. The receptionist gracefully printed the slides for me. The congresswoman came back from lunch early and we started at 12:47.

I put the slides on the table:  Creating Accountability in Politics

She was interested. A few times she talked about her experience, the huge efforts that she and her staff went to to be accountable. She reads over 300 messages from constituents every day. Other members of Congress are amazed. I presented a full model of accountability- the relationship between a boss and an employee. Then showed what that might look like for voters and a representative. Then showed how PeopleCount makes it easy. And then how it adds pressure to make it happen, and rewards when it does, and even makes it easier to replace an incumbent in an election. Mainly, it’ll ensure that Congress passes widely desired legislation, like overturning Citizens United and passing anti-corruption and anti-gerrymandering legislation.

She liked it! We talked till 1:30. She’s intrigued and supportive. Members of Congress are not allowed to endorse a product, but she’s almost willing to make some connections for me. Almost. She thinks I need to have to at least show it works on a small scale. Sigh…

To me, that’s just wrong. It’s the standard answer. It’s “best practice” for investors. Standard answers and best practices support the world we have. They support startups of teams in college, or young adults living in a garage, or serial entrepreneurs funding their new business themselves or with their flush connections. Best practices kept PeopleCount from being successful for the last four years. They ensured that Obama would regret Congress not being less divisive, as he said in his last State of the Union address.

She’s much more respectful of protocol than I am. She respects the people she’d introduce me to and wants to give them something more substantial. That’s normal.

Then I think of Obama, with big regrets that he couldn’t make Congress more productive and less divisive. If someone had a way to fix this he’d want to hear about it early. He’d find a way to support it. Especially if it’s odds of succeeding without support were small. (If I had had support 4 years ago, Citizens United would have been overturned by now, anti-corruption legislation and anti-gerrymandering legislation would have been passed, too.)

I sort of hated it at the end when she gave me encouragement. It’s certainly nice that she liked it. But without action, it doesn’t help at all. I don’t think encouragement even helps my attitude. I took a minute just now and did a bit of introspection. I think my brain thinks it makes the people giving the encouragement feel better. “I can’t donate, but I’ll pray for you.” I think my brain resents that. Plus the pretense that they’re doing enough.

I just saw- my brain thinks only I am making a decent effort at this. She’s working her butt off reading 300 letters a month atop a full schedule and huge workload and my brain thinks it’s not enough. Maybe I can blame that pettiness on listening to Trump too much. But it’s good to see- I’ll let that go…

My son is after me to apply to jobs. He worries even more than my wife. If I go back to work, I’m not going to be able to work on PeopleCount much. And I’m going to hate it. Every hour, in the back of my mind will be regret. Maybe even resentment. I can let that go, but it takes effort and my productivity is diminished, making working more stressful…

To me, the real reason to go back to work is small-mindedness. It’s the belief that “we need money. and it’s bad to borrow against the house, because PeopleCount won’t work.” It’s self-defeating…

The problem is, and has been, that I’ve needed help to get to launch. I could use about $50k to hire someone to help me finish and manage the workload. I could really use about $130k for the next 6 months. $50k (at least) for me, $30k for software contractors. And that’s without marketing costs… Even better would be to have a real partner. I keep trying to do it without sufficient resources…

Back in the car, I called my friend. He was mostly pleased. He took her side, launching into a “best practices” rant. Of course she has a valid point of view. But it could have turned out differently. And it still might. My congresswoman now has a new possibility for politics that works. There’s no knowing who she’ll talk to or what she’ll think of to say. And I can still write to her. Maybe I should even add a new slide…

And I thanked him. Profusely. I’ve always know that I shouldn’t be doing this alone. Except when I’m working on software or problem-solving, I work much better when I’m interacting with someone. But a partner continues to elude me… This time, he kept reaching out and it was enough.

And then my friend asked to borrow my car. He has his own start-up that hasn’t gotten off the ground. They have a team, but no demo yet. And they’re broke- credit cards maxed out. At the beginning of this month he expected to start living in his car, and then a friend donated the rent. Today the CEO’s car just broke down. My friend doesn’t want to lend his car because he might have to live in it soon…

My ritual before sleep is a bit of meditation. So many little bits of panic and fear, resentment and regret, blame and accusations, even shame and hopelessness, Feelings of being alone, abandoned, wishing life were over. Sadness at people’s inability to see, and my inability to paint a picture that works, or make enough progress. I let them all rise up. It’s okay. You’re just a brain, computing. The results of all that thinking and fearing are just thoughts, conclusions, guesses, fears. All those calculations are accurate, based on what you know. I accept them as the thoughts they are. You’re doing fine. You sent me all your messages, you’ve done you’re job. I’ll take responsibility for the rest.

It quiets down. And the truth is that we’re still eating and still healthy.
And we’re creating a life worth living. We’re even giving humanity the ability to design its own future. Not just the politicians or the scientists or the wealthy technocrats, but all of humanity, together. What did Helen Keller say?

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

Life goes on. Possibilities abound. Sometimes I think possibilities are so numerous because people are so blind to them, so brainwashed by what they know. The latter seems true, but even if more people were open-minded, possibilities are infinite…